Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
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priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
the dark web is just a goth google.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
oh shit
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.