3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
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Name this drama.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
men are simple creatures
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy