Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
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Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I have written yet another poem about laundry
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do