Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
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Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down