[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
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9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.