[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
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[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?