I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
You Might Also Like
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain