Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
You Might Also Like
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
step 6: release the wall snake
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.