5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
You Might Also Like
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.