*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
You Might Also Like
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it鈥檚 just the paste off my brush”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that鈥檚 not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Restaurant manager: You鈥檙e hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can鈥檛 wait!
RM: You鈥檙e fired.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Found out it鈥檚 $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I鈥檓 just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
This is Damn delicious!馃構馃構馃構
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I鈥檓 not impressed. I鈥檝e had a Canon printer for years.
Dad (92): Please don鈥檛 put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.