Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
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RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup