Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
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The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.