Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
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Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I love wikipedia
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.