Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
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I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
girls literally only want one thing..