“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
You Might Also Like
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?