6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
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Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
(2022)
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.