Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
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therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Flowers bee like
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me