I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
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I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
those birds must be on payroll
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.