Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
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When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.