[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
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Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Hot hot hot 🥵
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
“Why you watching this shit?”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.