A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
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Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
My last name is Zilla.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.