My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
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ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.