My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
do u think theres a butter planet?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.