I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
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Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up