Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
You Might Also Like
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.