me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
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Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*