Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
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Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.