I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
“What movie?” 🤔
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
the world’s most popular steaming services
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?