date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
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Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Put a ring on it
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.