had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
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me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
A customer told me they were never coming back….