Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
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No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
No way!
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Me My dog
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.