*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
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You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?