I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
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I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
<—- homeless romantic
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target