Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
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this is funnier than any friends episode
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
They’re not wrong
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*