What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
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doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
real
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Current mood: Potato
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code