Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
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the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
🌱🌱🌱
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?