My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
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My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy