I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
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Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Oops I deleted….
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET