I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
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Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Sign at work today
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.