The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
You Might Also Like
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.