Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
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Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Phonetics
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it