“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
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My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me: