Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
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“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Tier 3 meme
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I’m pretty like a car crash.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!