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Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.