Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
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My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Seekh Kebab
Not attention