We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
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cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.