wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
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Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”