Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
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me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I can’t be the only one 😂
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Good dog. ❤️
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.