It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
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‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
the world’s most popular steaming services
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret