I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
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[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Breaking news:
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.